Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
