Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
