my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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