I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
