i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
