so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
