Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
