you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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