tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
