There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
