Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
