nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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