Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
