I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
