A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Found your dick twin last night
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
BRING THE BAGELS
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize