ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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