I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize