just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
