I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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