dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
