I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize