yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize