just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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