Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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