so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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