I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it was like his penis was on wheels.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
