tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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