I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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