So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
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