i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
