so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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