i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
