Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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