babies were throwing up all over the place
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
