Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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