I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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