i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize