My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
