he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
