Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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