Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
