This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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