God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Two words: nipple clamps
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