If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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