grandma shit on top of the toilet
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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