I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
