i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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