My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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