I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
