I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
