if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
