so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
