my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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