Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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