but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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