and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
