my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Randomize