So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
