I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
