He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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